Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
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I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
shut up and take my money
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?