Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
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Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
The “research” scene in every horror movie
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.