Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
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My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.