A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
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I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever