Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
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Thursday Thought.
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
he’s doing your taxes
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home