The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
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Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
Fidel Castro was alive?
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.