Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
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Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.