We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
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Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
The devil.
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.