Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
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Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
The smoothest fall of all time
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain