I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
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I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
Bless you
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.