GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
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Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder