Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
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I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.