I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
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My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.