[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
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I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you