An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
You Might Also Like
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
🤣could you imagine
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage