The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
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Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes