There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
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“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”