All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
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If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.