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[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂