Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
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I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
Probably my best painting.
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
SPLOOT
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
When they try to steal your moment.
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.