My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
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My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
🚲+physics = winner
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.