You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
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Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.