Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
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Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
Bit chilly again tonight.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him