When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
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I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
No, I don’t think I will.
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
groan^2
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
three things we don’t talk about
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.