me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
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A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
craving $300 all of a sudden
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
You can’t rush stupid.
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind: