Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
You Might Also Like
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.