[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
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“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
Remember folks 😂
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.