Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
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Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
first you must answer his riddles
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
Never forget.
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…