I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
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I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
this country is so goddamn polarized
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.