Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
You Might Also Like
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
Hot Hot Hot
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
paddle faster i hear baby shark
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
If you need a laugh.. 😅
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.