Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
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If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…