A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
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[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Salad is the decaf of food.
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.