I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
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If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
“What?”
– Jude
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return