Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
You Might Also Like
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
Tony Hawk, age 6
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
584.
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.