When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
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it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
fixed it
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.