There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
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the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
philosophical skeletons be like
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
my first dose meeting my second
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT