i wish we could shoplift online
You Might Also Like
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.