Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
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If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
lmao
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
what is cheese if not milk persevering
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.