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I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”