Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
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She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
your honor my client chooses dare
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
The future is now.
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking