Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
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that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
My boss called in sick of me
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
I hope this email finds you in a well
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
work smarter, not harder
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious