Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
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Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
Penguins walking in 5x speed
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants