I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
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Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
The legends speak of a third Duran…
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
Canada has crack?
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians