I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
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[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car