ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
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Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
[Texts to 14]
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.