GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
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I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
That earthquake could have been an email.
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
Cheer up.
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.