“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
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You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years