The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
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The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.