When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
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people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
Vodka burrito was a success
My Sentiments Exactly
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”