I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
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[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
A friend sent me this.
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
Thursday Thought.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.